Why BOUDOIR?
Why do a boudoir session? The reasons are endless. Personally, I had a few reasons when I did my own boudoir session. First, I wanted an easy gift for my boyfriend for Valentine’s Day, something I knew he would love but wouldn’t take too much outside-the-box thinking. Second, and more importantly, I wanted to prove to myself that I was still worthy even after gaining quarantine weight. In hindsight, WHAT?! Of course I was “still worthy”, regardless of size. In my college days, I would have dropped dead letting someone take a picture of me at all, let alone in lingerie, if I hadn’t been hitting the gym 6 days a week, eating salads as 1/3 of my meals, and fresh from the tanning salon. Now that I’m 30, I can feel all of the stories the world tells us about women’s aging bodies creeping in. I knew if I could power through this and find images of myself that I truly loved, pale skin, extra weight, unwaxed eyebrows and all, it would help me push those stereotypes about beauty farther out of my mind.
Growing up, I was always rail thin. Looking at photos of myself in my early 20s, all I can think is “get that bitch a sandwich and a vitamin PLEASE”. Even though now I would probably still be considered “slender”, I’m carrying about 30 lbs more than I’ve ever been used to. Sometimes I feel so guilty not appreciating my body more for what it is in this moment. I still benefit from “skinny privilege”, even though since March I have done virtually nothing to stay in shape. It’s an attack from all sides: half my brain saying “how dare you take your clothes off in pictures with that gut, you fat fucker”, and the other half saying “you have it so easy going through life with these genes, how dare you complain about your weight when so many people have harder challenges than you do". I was stuck between the place of “you have done nothing to deserve this body”, and “this body isn’t deserving of love”.
The fact of the matter is, no matter what weight we’re at, or what’s going on with our hair, or skin, as women (and humans in general), we’ll find something to point at and say “ew. fix this. now”. I know that I was even more unhappy at my old weight than I am at my new one. There is absolutely no reason to wait to “get your body back” or “get rid of some of this extra weight” or “work on being less bloated” when it comes to boudoir. The right outfit (or no clothes at all), the right pose, and the right lighting, will make you feel your best, not losing weight.
Choose to tell yourself that you are perfect now, as you are, and ready to celebrate yourself. Even if you can’t fully believe it at first, send yourself that message today instead of “someday I’ll be better”. You are perfect right now. And you’ll be perfect “someday” too, no matter how you change. Both bodies are worthy, both should be celebrated. Tell yourself a new story. The world around us will give us 10,000 different reasons we need to change ourselves, but we don’t have to listen. The only message we need is the one we tell ourselves. And we get to decide what that message is.
My message to myself with these photos is “I don’t need to change. I’m vibrant, I’m happy, and this body houses a soul that I will promise to take care of.” No one is better equipped to write your story than you. So let’s do it. I’ll be here for you every step of the way.
These images were taken by BreeAnna Lasher of Eleven Eleven Films and edited by yours truly.